Deal With Walking
In On Your Teen During a Sexual Activity
You thought your son was downstairs, busy on the computer. Carrying an armload of clean laundry, you kick open his bedroom door and - oops! - he's masturbating. (Or he's rolling around under the covers with his girlfriend).
Instructions
1. The first thing you need to do is apologize for invading his privacy. Then leave. Later, you can talk about what happened. If you accept masturbation as a safe, healthy form of self-expression, then you might say something like, 'I'm sorry I walked in on you. It was embarrassing for both of us. Masturbation is natural and nothing to feel bad about, but it's private. I apologize for barging into your room. I won't do it again.' A good solution here would be to buy your teen a lock for his bedroom door.
2. If you believe that masturbation is wrong, let your emotions settle before your talking with your teen. Then apologize for walking in on him, explain your position on masturbation, and give your reasons for feeling as you do.
3. Imagine another scenario. You come home from the movies to find your son and his girlfriend naked and entwined on the couch. Your first impulse may be to react in anger. That's understandable, but it's not productive. Instead, take a deep breath and try to figure out what's behind your anger.
4. Don't embarrass your teen in front of his girlfriend. Ask them both to please get dressed, then leave the room. Return in a few moments and say that it's time for the girlfriend to go home. If she can get there on her own, that's fine. Stay calm and don't lecture. It won't be comfortable for either of you, but that's to be expected.
5. Then take some time to cool off and put your adult-self in charge before you approach your teen. Start with a positive statement to show you care about your teen and then express your disappointment.
6. If you walked in on sexual behaviors that you've asked your teen to abstain from or postpone, you might be tempted to punish him or threaten punishment. Be careful, because under the circumstances, it's easy to say something you don't mean.
7. It's common for parents who find their teens in compromising positions to blame the other teen involved. Try to separate the deed from the doer. Focus on the behavior. Explain why you find it unacceptable, then make it clear that you won't tolerate it.
8. What if your teen insists that he's in love? Don't dismiss his feelings, and avoid saying things like 'You only THINK you're in love.' Instead, acknowledge his feelings. Then explain that love is not a good enough reason to break a promise, compromise your trust, and engage in risky behavior. Explain why you feel he's too young to support the consequences of sexual activity. Let him know that there are many ways to express love. Be specific about which behaviors you consider out of bounds.
Tags: your teen, bedroom door, behavior Explain, Deal With, Deal With Walking
